Your Thoughts
Grieving and growing
UMUC professors talk about grief and healing

By Chip Cassano

As Americans awoke the morning after the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks, one of the more startling images to greet them was that of the Manhattan skyline empty of the towering columns of the World Trade Center. As the days and weeks passed, that image, omnipresent on the evening news, became more familiar and, perhaps, a bit less jarring.

The twin towers as they were before Sept. 11.

For many, though, time has done little to blunt the rawness and vitality of the emotions associated with the attack—sadness, anger, fear, disbelief, frustration, despair. An entire generation of young Americans has reached adulthood without experiencing the sort of national loss that their parents or grandparents were forced to confront in Vietnam and Korea, Pearl Harbor, and Normandy.

And so it seems that, once again, America is learning to grieve. Along with that learning process, though, come questions. What is normal in the grief process? When and how will I begin to heal? Should I seek professional help?

John Breeskin, a psychotherapist and clinical psychologist who has taught for UMUC for more than 30 years, became an expert in psychotraumatology while working with prisoners of war returning from Vietnam.

The skyline that was Manhattan.

"The grieving process is much older than organized religion," Breeskin said. "From an anthropological point of view, it is probably the most primitive ceremony there is. Even elephants do it. It is part of the human process and it can't be ignored. It just sits there, and it has to be dealt with in one way or another."

It is also a learning process, Breeskin said, and those who are suffering through it can be comforted by the thought that it is helping them grow—reminding them of their vulnerability and making them better able to empathize with others.

"Tragedy is all around us and must be expected," Breeskin said. "It's a part of life, and it always leaves us sadder and wiser, in that order. Tolstoy wrote, 'Only people who are capable of loving strongly can also suffer great sorrow. But the same necessity of loving serves to counteract their grief and heals them.'"

Vladimir Nacev, a board-certified clinical psychologist with more than 25 years of experience, has taught for UMUC for more than 20 years. Often, he said, people who are grieving don't realize that the things they are experiencing are quite normal.

"No matter if it is a man-made trauma or natural disaster, reactions are often quite similar," Nacev said. "People may experience stress, irritability, disrupted sleep patterns, problems concentrating, loss of appetite, forgetfulness, feelings of guilt, depression, and exhaustion. All of these are common reactions that might last from four to six weeks; usually, as time goes on and one begins to recover, they will decrease in intensity and severity."

That recovery process, he said, often follows a predictable, if still fluid, path.

"The initial reaction [to trauma]," Nacev said, "is denial. 'You're kidding,' we say. 'It can't be true.' That's the most primitive defense mechanism that we have, and we use it quite often."

Anger is next, followed by bargaining—with ourselves, the universe, or God.

"It's like when the police stop us for speeding," Nacev said. "First we say, 'No, I couldn't have been going 75!' Then we get angry. Then, when we realize we're not getting anywhere with that, we bargain. 'Just give me a warning this time and I promise I won't do it again.'"

When bargaining doesn't work, Nacev said, we begin to feel helpless, and depression may set in. That will continue until, finally, we reach the stage of acceptance, or resolution.

"Acceptance really deals with one's own acceptance of one's place in life and ability to cope or change events," Nacev said. "It doesn't mean that one approves of what happened."

The good news is that one need not just wait helplessly for feelings of grief to subside. Breeskin, for example, encourages his clients to embrace grief rituals and reach out to others as part of the healing process.

"We have all sorts of grieving rituals—eulogies, grave sites, the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, the flight formation with the missing wingman. Those are all ways of externalizing and symbolizing the person who has been lost, and they're all necessary," Breeskin said. "But the ritual process must take place in a support system. It can't be done in your head, intellectualizing. The healing actually is in the human connection."

Nacev, too, encourages his clients to reach out to others and to be wary of slipping into isolation and withdrawal. He also pointed out several strategies that individuals can use to help themselves ease and accelerate the grieving process.

"An important thing is to acknowledge and be aware of one's feelings, rather than trying to suppress or deny troubling emotions," said Nacev. He recommended writing one's thoughts in a journal or diary. "Taking the thoughts and emotions out of your head and putting them on paper serves as a form of relief and is therapeutic in itself."

He also encouraged individuals to protect their health—making extra efforts to eat properly, rest, exercise, and return as quickly as possible to prior routines that were relaxing or fulfilling.

For many, religion is one of the most fulfilling and important of those routines. Betty Jo Mayeske, who chairs UMUC's humanities department and has taught courses in religion, history, myth, and ethics for 25 years, pointed out that there are a number of reasons that this would be so.

"Most religions include some aspect of coming together with other people and engaging in ritual, and I think that is an important part of managing grief," Mayeske said. "Many religions, too, include a component of a powerful God or perhaps a personal, compassionate savior figure. Obviously, those are comforting concepts."

Religions like Taoism, Native American religions, and others also tap into the healing power of nature, Mayeske said, and traditions of meditation and private or public prayer are also experienced by many as a comfort and aid in healing.

"In addition," Mayeske said, "various doctrines offer explanations of calamity or suffering, provide assurances of life after death, and so on."

Ultimately, of course, the smoke will clear over the Manhattan skyline and we will heal—through the passage of time, by caring for ourselves, and by reaching out to those around us.

"The first question that a grief counselor has to answer," Breeskin said, "is, 'Do you know what you're talking about? Can you empathize with me in this moment?' And that's a fair question. That thread has to be laid out so clearly that it's unmistakable, because we're all connected."

Your thoughts focuses on current issues. We welcome your suggestions for the series. E-mail Chip Cassano at ccassano@umuc.edu.

Photos courtesy of the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration/Department of Commerce.